Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Anxiety? Yes? No? I Don't Know.

That news about Kate Spade passing honestly hits me really hard that it made me want to write this post. It affects me in such a very profound and personal way. I don't even know if it's appropriate but I'm just gonna share this with you. (as if anyone reads this. LOL)

Sometimes I feel stupid to even think I have all the signs  of having an "Anxiety Disorder" as to what other people call it. All I know is that I'm a very emotional person, I don't cry easily but I cry with no reason, in most times I don't let other people see me crying, it makes me feel weak.. I cry myself to sleep even up to this age, yes. I worry too much, like, a lot. I overthink everything, like, a lot. I would overthink even the most impossible worst thing that can ever happen.. ask me why.. I DON'T KNOW. People who are close to me would tell me that I'm a huge people pleaser, I like to impress people, I love making people happy, I feel frustrated when I disappoint them, I don't like criticism.. although I know it's normal and ok to be criticised, I just don't like it. I hate it. Is it just me? Maybe it's just my personality, that's just the way I am, because my zodiac sign told me so? I DON'T KNOW. 

But then I started feeling left out and being judged even though I know I'm surrounded with beautiful, wonderful people... feeling nervous all the time (not a coffee drinker, my body hates caffeine), looking into other people's eye while having a casual convo makes me really uncomfortable, not being able to voice out something I believe will make sense, struggling to get out of the bed in the morning when it feels like hell, trying to hold on no matter how hard life gets... and the list goes on... I DON'T KNOW. What I know for sure I shouldn't let it consume me, I shouldn't take this for granted and I should be aware that I need to control my mind and my heart to feel that way. So I'd look for something inspiring, encouraging, uplifting.. because if I let other people know all this, I don't think they'll understand.. I don't think they'd care enough. 

This post actually worries me so much that people may think I'm trying to get attention or sympathy (see? I'm overthinking.. LOL) But if in any means, there's ONE person who needed this and is reading this right now.. just ONE, I hope you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Just so you know, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. You can always vent it out to someone close to you or say a prayer. PRAY. I know it's hard, it's painful, it just feels too much. Believe me, I know exactly how it feels. Please just hang in there. Hang in there.

I would always look for quotations every time I'm feeling heavy, in my head, in my heart, everyday. I hope this would help you in any way as it did to me. I'm not very good in giving advice to people but I hope this will do.

Love and Smile always,
Mitchie Elle